Sundaes with Kathleen

At a lost for words….

I only know that crying while driving at night is not safe. :’( I almost had to stop my car by the roadside, to blink away my tears.

People whom I thought would defend me, didn’t.

Instead, others who did were people whom I didn’t really expect.

I am still a girl. A female. A lady. I am not a guy.

I appear hard or strong because I have no one to be there for me. How else would I cope?

I have since become invisible.

Today made me start thinking of something.

I realised that yes, I have a bit of introversion.

I don’t understand it myself. I feel fine socializing with friends or people whom I have known for a while. But when it comes to certain issues or topics of discussion or social settings, I clam up and very much prefer to be the listener and observer than the speaker.

I found that happening again today. I just couldn’t share what I wanted to with them. They on the other hand, could.

I just smiled and tried to avoid by introducing other topics or subjects that were happening in my life.

Then my friend commented that I have a “wall” built up around me.

With utter sadness, I agree. People have commented that I am very quiet. But honestly, I am not like that.

A friend who studied psychology, had this to say, “People who want to get to know you, have to take time to do it and break that wall.”

This, I agree whole-heartedly.

Close friends, after knowing me for a few years, shared that I am totally different from what they first thought of me.

It’s not that I don’t want to talk. But sometimes I’d rather be thought a fool than to confirm it, especially if it’s about topics I don’t know much of. I prefer to talk among small groups than big ones. With big groups, that person that comes out is just a surface of me.

I try. I HAVE come out of my comfort zone a few times, significantly much so during last year. It was hard and I felt like burying myself in the ground after that. I felt like running away! But caught hold of myself and said, “No.”

What I did shocked a few friends, who said, “Ha? Kath wor…. I thought she’s timid.” Lol.

Sigh, proves my point.

I am now self-proclaiming that I am an introvert. Hahaha.

Finally, I sort of understand why I felt the way I did and reacted the way I did in certain situations.

I am not an extreme introvert but I have introversion tendencies. Reading those few articles really helped to put me and my self in better perspective.

Hopefully, it will help me to improve. Mentally, socially and psychologically.

Yes!

Christmas Christmas…

I think I am beginning to feel you now. :)

I am trying to do something for Christmas instead of Christmas doing something for me.

I hope to succeed. Two things at least. That is my wish for Christmas. That I get to fulfill and achieve what I set out to do for Christmas.

Merry Christmas people.

My self esteem has taken a hit during this whole year…

I used to think that I had high self esteem. But, as I reflect on this past year, I was totally wrong.

I got so obsessed with all the wrong things, wrong people, I neglected myself. I forgot to love myself.

I was so busy trying to be someone I was not, just to attract the opposite sexs’ eye.

I was so busy figuring out if the other person was attracted to me, I forgot I had my own attraction as well.

I was so busy thinking, analyzing and reading up worthless stuff, I forgot the stuff that I had in me.

I forgot myself.

I forgot that the world doesn’t just revolve around one or two people. There are so many opportunities out there. Chances that I have missed because I was so blind and stubborn. Having to have and wanting to want only THAT one. Ha!

I forgot myself.

I forgot the inner shine I had in me. I let other people’s shine blind me so much so that I dimmed my own light.

I forgot the inner and outer beauty I had in me. I was so busy trying to fit into that certain mould, that I didn’t realise, without that mould, I was still as beautiful as I could be. A beauty that is only unique to me.

I forgot to be who I am. I forgot to improve myself because I was so blindly worried about how I portray myself to certain people.

I forgot…

I will forget no more. I will be strong and place my heart only in the hands of God. God can do whatever He wants with it as deem fit.

I don’t understand certain people.

Is it so hard to maybe put yourself in our shoes? Honestly, I do not think I am asking for much. Just basic necessities.

“A waste of time and effort.”

That line really hurt me a lot. I put a lot of effort in whatever I do and I always try to do my best. Always.

But if a small thing like making a report on behalf of me for record’s sake, proves too much of a waste of time and effort to you, then perhaps I am in the wrong place.

Perhaps what I value and what you value are totally different.

In a way, thank you for making me see that now.

I see that you don’t really value me as much as I value what I do. No matter what you say, I don’t see it.

And I am not the only one.

” At this moment, there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. 

Some are running scared. 

Some are coming home. 

Some tell lies to make it through the day. 

Others are just now facing the truth. 

Some are evil men, at war with good. 

Some are good, struggling with evil. 

6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls. 

And sometimes all you need is one. “

 - Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill Season 3 Episode 1